If you ever plan to have kids, it's never too early to talk about parenting goals and styles. In a previous blog, we discussed planning for the 18 year-old-kid you want to launch. This post addresses your mindset or philosophy along the way. It's never too late to get on the same page, as long as you and the other parent agree with the idea that same page parenting is foundational.
What is Same Page Parenting? It's an approach to parenting that respects each parent and the children. It holds a "for the good of the family" mindset unless you no longer live together. Then it holds a "for the good of the children" mindset. With Same Page Parenting, both parents agree on major decisions and support each other. Both parents present a united front to the children. Both parents use the same discipline. Note that discipline is a lifestyle - punishment is a penalty. I do not believe in punishment. The proper discipline provides the framework you need to raise healthy kids.
What happens if we disagree with the other parent? I hear this a lot. My answer is always to address the disagreement off theater. In front of the kids, you say "oh, that's what your mother said..." Off theater, you can ask the other parent what they were intending or tell them you think they were too extreme. Never correct the other parent in front of the children (unless there is domestic violence) as it will minimize the other parent in the eyes of the children and plant seeds of disrespect and mistrust.
One Same Page Parenting goal is to create a sense of security, trust and respect in the family home. If one parent struggles to keep their cool in front of the kids, or steps in too frequently to "help" the other parent manage, it's helpful for them to create a signal or code word to use in front of the kids. Using the signal can remind the other parent to pause and consider what they are doing or saying. Perhaps they will even need to leave the room. It's perfectly okay for a parent to tell the kids they have to go cool down and think about what they need to say. It's also not only okay but important to apologize to kids when we've been too loud or snapped with a ridiculous consequence. "I didn't handle my frustration well when I told you that I'm taking away your birthday next month, I'm sorry."
Admitting when we have misspoken models the same for our kids. Teaching children how to speak respectfully is another Same Page Parenting goal. How do we address people? Do we say please and thank you? How can we speak kindly? What tones are okay/not okay? Here is where you can instill the idea that name-calling is never okay. In order to make sure your kids get that, you will have to model the same. If you are watching a program where the characters are doing the opposite of what you teach, pause the program and talk about what your family does. Don't rely on media and outside influences to do the main teaching of your children. Most of what the media has aimed at the last 3 generations of kids is the message that the smart aleck kid is smarter than their parents, if they are lucky to have both, one parent is certainly an idiot.
When parents value each other in front of the kids, it sets the stage for kids to absorb some non-verbal truths about healthy relationships. You don't even have to call attention to it. "Hey, look! I'm hugging your mother!" Just do it.
If you are no longer together and can't stand each other, you're not going to like what I have to say. I say it after 25 years of experience with children from split families. Without exception, children need their parents to act kind toward one another. Even if you don't feel like it. I've seen far too many stories where one parent has made it their mission to punish the ex through the children for decades. Bitterness nets poor physical and mental health in addition to forcing the children to withhold their emotions. Nothing positive comes from this. Unless the ex is a psychopath or sociopath, it is possible to at least treat them kindly if not respectfully. And remember, you are together in the parenting journey and don't you both want to provide the best foundation to launch a healthy child into adulthood? Keep this at the center of your heart.
More to come on the Same Page Parenting topic!