If you can answer yes to 2 or more of following questions, you might be an I-Told-You-So parent. If that's the case, the rest of this post will describe why you need to switch to Reality Discipline.
1. I tell my kid(s) that if they don't _________, this ________ will happen [If you don't finish your
breakfast, you'll be hungry]
2. I remind my kid(s) about things that they should have remembered to do/not do... [If you had brought your jacket, you wouldn't have been cold]
3. When I remove a privilege, I say something like "See? If you wouldn't have done ____, this wouldn't have happened?" [Aren't you going to remember next time????]
4. I think that describing things to my kid(s) ahead of time is very important because my words will help guide them [So if you leave you bike out one more time, it might get stolen...]
5. I give lots of warnings and don't follow up [You won't get to have your birthday party!! Your tablet is gone forever!!!]
Not only am I a parent, I've worked with parents and kids for over 25 years. The most common "fault" I've seen and personally experienced is the overarching need for parental narration. Over explain. Talk too much. I finally understand why the late Charles Shultz had all of the adult voices in the Snoopy TV specials merely be the bugle sounds of "mwah-mwah-mwah". What kids hear when adults talk too much is that sound. All communication is lost. Parents keep talking, thinking they are getting through - but they're not. The only one who heard them was themselves.
Step aside from the talking-too-much stuff. What will over-explaining and laying out the consequences ahead of time do for our kids? Doesn't that mean we are thinking for them? I don't know about you, but I wanted self-sustaining kids who could think for themselves and make grounded decisions. If I would have done that for them, I think I would have ended up with what we hear in today's media as "snowflakes" - those who live at home at age 35, not confident to live on their own and doubt their own abilities. I wanted kids who owned their stuff, lived independently as solid citizens.
So how do we teach our kids to think for themselves? Be critical thinkers? Become an observant, neutral drone. What would a drone see? A camera record? Yes, be that observant and benign at the same time. Let reality do the teaching. "The shoes by the door go in the basket", "Dinner is at 5:00", "Lunch bag goes in your backpack". No chit-chat. Keep it simple.
Then follow up with natural consequences. No warning. Speak gently and even smile as if you are on valium. Shoes not placed in the basket go in a take-away box that they have to earn/buy back. Not coming to the dinner table on time = a missed meal. Breakfast is at 7:30. Lunch bag isn't in the backpack? A hungry kid will be coming home from school. I'd be hungry too if I missed lunch. No narration, simply validate.
If you're struggling to end the narration with your kids, remind yourself of this: when was the last time anyone telling you "I told you so" helpful? Why would it be any different for your kids?
I'll be writing more about this juicy topic.
My favorite, time-tested resources for parents adopting this approach:
-Making Children MInd Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman
-How To Talk to Children Ages 2 -7 by Faber
-How to Talk so Children Will Listen and Listen so Children Will Talk by Faber & Mazlish