Before you invite a loved one - especially an elderly one - to come and live in your home, be sure and take a good look at this list of questions. Your heart and benevolence is wonderful. Pause first. If someone has declining health or cognition, you will be asked to provide a lot of information to others even if you aren't a power of attorney because they live with you.
Obtaining the answers to these questions before you make this life-altering decision will tell you a lot and reduce future stress. Find out now whether your loved one can't or won't provide this information. They may drag out or dismiss your questions. I say get 24 answers and all the documentation lined up first ... or say no.
1. Birth date, place of birth and social security number
2. Full names of all spouses, dates of marriage, divorce and death
3. Obtain copies of all insurance policies and ID cards - speak with a representative if they use the VA
4. Do they have Medicare Parts A, B and D? (Note: without Medicare Part B, they cannot apply for state assistance in paying for assisted living down the road. The older someone is to sign up for Part B, the more costly it is. Signing up with it is first available is the least costly choice)
5. If a veteran, what branch of service? Enlistment date and location? Service number? Discharge date and status? Obtain copies of enlistment and discharge papers. (Sadly, being covered by the VA does not mean everything is covered. Ask the VA what your loved one's coverage is well before advanced care may be needed)
6. What is their financial status including debts? Are there ongoing medical expenses/prescriptions to consider? Obtain all bank, and other account information including medical statements
7.What are their funeral and burial plans? Are all costs pre-paid? What expenses are left? How are any remaining expenses expected to be paid? Who is expected to be the finance person?
8. Who are the Powers of Attorney for Medical and Financial care? (Obtain copies of signed documents, recognize if you aren't the POA, you have no legal power - if your loved one refuses to complete these documents, think 14 times)
9. Who is the point person to receive future billing and financial information should additional levels of care be necessary?
10. Is there a will in place? (If not, ensure one is written/amended before allowing a move-in)
11. Is an Advanced Directive in place? Commonly called an ADR, be sure your loved one has already designated medical resuscitation instructions should they become incapacitated; ignore "that won't happen to me" and if they refuse, think another 14 times)
12. What is their current mental and physical health? (Are they under the care of a physician or therapist and why? What are the diagnoses? Obtain a Release of Information (ROI) for each provider otherwise they can't talk to you
13. What is the expectation for the use of your family space for this loved one? What furniture and other items are they bringing and where will it be stored? Where will they spend most of their time? What rooms are designated just for them? Are modifications necessary - if so, who is paying for them?
14. Who is expected to manage/assist in the daily care, mobility, responses to calls/texts and emails related to your loved one? (If necessary, obtain a social worker through your local county government offices)
15. How will this one get to and from their appointments? How will travel costs be addressed? Who will make those arrangements?
16. Who else is involved in your loved one's live that may be influential? (What are your loved one's expectations from you? What are your limits? How does your loved one generally treat you?)
17. What is the current cognitive ability of your loved one?
18. What is the prognosis for your loved one's condition? (How soon could you need to act, how long can they stay at the level of care you can realistically provide?)
19. What in-home care services are approved by insurance or family is willing to support? (Nursing, physical therapy, occupational therapy, personal care, household help, social work, etc)
20. How much supervision/assistance will your loved one require and is it reasonable within your existing household obligations? (This does not include currong off attention to your family and children at the expense of helping your loved one)
21. What is the the attitude/personality of the loved one you are considering inviting into your home? (How will that impact your family? How many members are in agreement? Why or why not?
22. Will your loved one respect or listen to you? Do the loved one's other influential people respect or listen to you? (If not, what are you thinking?????)
23. What are the motives for your loved one requesting a move-in - and yours for considering it? (Are you being realistic? Cultural expectations or unrealistic guilt may need to be therapeutically addressed)
24. Will you create and sign an agreement outlining expectations and roles to protect each other?